We made a wish and two came true

Finally the blog post I've been dying to write, and since announcing had several questions about! I hope you didn't think I abandoned you guys, keeping this quiet was driving me insane. Just the other day Taylor was complementing me on my writing and all I could think was how much I miss this blog! So enough about that, I know what you're really here for. DETAILS!

I suspected even before ovulation (that was conveniently on Valentines day) that I would get pregnant this cycle, take out the early complications we had last fall and the medication worked fairly quickly to obtain our first pregnancy. What I didn't suspect was the surprise we got. My meds were changed up a little bit this cycle, and early on it was rough but worth it. I was told not to test until 14 days past ovulation.....pft. I got my positive exactly 10 days past ovulation of February 25th at 5:30am. I screamed "IT'S POSITIVE" and literally jumped on Taylor in bed (he was asleep). To which he responded "Oh my gosh yay!" hugged me very tightly then said Owww, please get off". Suppose tackling someone  first thing in the morning could come as a shock, oops. The days following involved I cant tell you how many pregnancy tests, and 8 days worth of every other day blood draws. There is always stress in being a human pin cushion. Can't tell you how thrilled I am not to have been poked in over 2 weeks.

On March 14th we went in for our first ultrasound. And I wont lie after what we've been through I had major anxiety surrounding the ultrasound. I've had "that" ultrasound before, the one where they tell you that there's no baby, it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I sat on the table shaking and Wandy made his appearance (Wandy is what us infertiles have so fondly named the vaginal ultrasound wand). "And there it is" the biggest sigh of relief, we have a baby. "And there we are again! There's two!" two?! there were two?! I screamed "WHAT?! OH MY GOSH!" so loud that the nurse heard me across the office, and of course we properly burst into happy tears. That was single handedly the best and biggest surprise of my life. Our eyes were opened up to God's plan that day. Telling friends and family who already knew we were pregnant was so fun! And we celebrated with dinner with my father in law! It was such a fun day.

The next appointment, our last appointment at North Houston Center Of Reproductive Medicine was a huge one. Graduation is such a huge accomplishment. There was yet again pre-appointment anxiety on my end, already attached to both of them they both had to still be there. And they are! Perefect, growing and measuring neck and neck. They took their last picture together before birth, because by the next time we see them (With my obgyn, holy cow!) they will be to big to be on the screen together. A put on a show for us, and there was a point B looked just like a gummy bear, and posed for the camera. The highlight of the appointment was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. We have two perfect heart beats beating 125bmp and 127bpm. When the sound of their little heart beats filled the room it took my breath away. She played around for a while and we got a lot of screen time with out babies, it was amazing. We went over the terms of our release and said said our goodbyes to Dr. Roach and her staff. There were lots of hugs, and a few tears on my end. What a huge day it was for us. So with risks dropping after heartbeats are detected, we decided it was time to share our news with the world!

So to answer the popular questions:
Are they identical or fraternal?
They are indeed fraternal. Fertility drugs don't cause embryo's to split however in my case what they did cause two eggs to be released and we were lucky enough to have them both fertilize.
How long will you work?
I will be cutting back at work this summer, and I will be done working in August when the girls start school. Giving me time to prep the nursery, "sleep while I can" as they say and relax.
Are yall done? 
That is a HUGE question for someone who just found out they're having twins. Ask us again in two years.
Will you give birth naturally? 
I have been told not to have my heart set on anything but a c-section, and I am okay with that I don't feel like it makes me less of a mother if I don't give birth to my babies vaginally.

Bittersweet like our last RE visit this will be my last entry to Team Baby Denman. But fear not (I'm sure you're not lol) I have every intention of blogging through my pregnancy, and into the journey of parenting twins! So look for our newest chapter "Keeping Up With The Denmans" like the Kardashians but better ;) I can't say thank you enough for the love and support we received through infertility, our miscarriage, the recovery and starting over. This is our story, and I would never change it.

To my girls, never give up. Miracles happen<3 

Xoxo
Momma D

The Two Week Wait: The Second Addition.

I feel like I've been such a Debbie downer to those close to me, props to the friends who've listened to my endless wining. This cycle has been emotionally and physically draining more so than the others. I don't know if it's the medication changes, the fact we've done this a few times now, or the miscarriage or a combination of all but it's been rough. I've felt like crap and been tired and sad and tired of being sad. Toss in Taylor's current never home work schedule and well it's been dark days in the Denman house. But brighter days are coming after a massage, a blaring positive ovulation test and celebrating my favorite Valentines tradition I'm feeling much better. Better being an understatement. I'm SO excited, we're back in the game it's all becoming real again. Its so surreal after everything we've been through the last month to know that we've got another shot!

This tww adds a whole new element for us. The no or maybe. On Friday I go visit my favorite girls to play the part of a human pin cushion for a progesterone and estrogen draw. My doctor wants to see what my body does on it's own before adding any supportive medications (for a pregnancy). And in my mind the results of this draw make or break everything if the progesterone promising then maybe? And if not well, we should be able to predict a negativity test then (though there are always surprises. So we get a one week wait. But kind of. Not really. We just get more insanity which, we don't run short on around here these days.

I can already see the messages flooding in over the next two weeks. "When will you tell?" "Are you pregnant? "When are you going to test?" Well, I don't really have an answer as far as a public announcement, there will definitely be an ultrasound before hand. We've each chosen one person to tell when we get our positive home pregnancy test (they know who they are), and after we get a good beta (hcg/progesterone/estrogen blah blah blah) result then we will slowly start telling more people and worm our way into telling family. That part is tricky because we're not up for breaking our parent's hearts again. Because as we've learned pregnancy loss effects the whole family. Therefor we're going to take our time with the next one. Soooo maybe an Easter themed pregnancy announcement.....? We shall see.

So what happens if this round is a bust? Or if God forbid we're presented with a situation like our more recent one and we're faced starting over yet again. Well as far as the current medication goes, we know it works but unfortunately they limit your cycles on it to prevent risk of damage. Fertility drugs are no joke they're rough on the women who take them. So we have 3 more months of this method. And we've decided that if we have had no luck with our next step plan (injections, possibly iui) then we will begin exploring IVF at the end of the year, pulling out the big guns. Team Baby Denman plays no games. But here's to hoping this is the end and we don't make it that far! For now I'm just trying to get through the next two weeks with whats left of my sanity still in tact!

And since it's still valentines weekend and I always close with a photo, here's Taylor and I on our first Valentines in 2009! We were such babies 

Until next time readers, 

XOXO
Momma D

Sunshine Award

This month marks the one year anniversary the one year anniversary that the word infertility entered our lives. After 3 years of....we'll say carelessness and 8 months of actively trying my obgyn thought best to send us on for testing. 3 doctors, thousands of dollars, 1 angel, countless vials of blood, and so many tests later here we are into our 20th month of ttcing and our third medicated round. Very few people knew we'd started trying to have a baby the summer we got married. We were young so we didn't want the judgey why don't you wait comments and we were convinced it would happen right away so we wanted to surprise the world.

Back then I never would've imagined us or myself in the position we are now. And I never would've guess I would've connected with the amazing women I have. I find myself lucky enough to be a part of an international virtual infertility community. They hear my baby dancing stories (Saga of the socks), they're all up in my ewcm business with no complaints, help me decide if its evap lines or a bfp. And they make me laugh, and smile and pick me up off the ground. We send each other care packages, organize exchanges and send cards just to make each other smile. How did I get so lucky?

All of that is to say, I've been nominated for the Sunshine Award (an award given by the infertility community to those who bring Sunshine into the lives of others) by one of the sweetest and strongest women I have the pleasure of knowing Amy Lynn Logue . If you haven't checked her out yet it's worth a read, her strength never stops impressing me
Here's what she had to say abut me:

Lora (teambabydenman.blogspot.com) – She’s been through a lot recently and her smile through it all is incredible! She’s got so much strength and it’s inspiring to anyone who witnesses it!

In honor of my nomination here are the questions Amy has asked of myself and my fellow nominees. And in return I will be asking my 2 a new set of questions.

1. How did you and DH (ttc speak for hubby) meet? and at what age?
Taylor and I met at  a birthday dinner at Joes Crab Shack of 1960 in Humble TX after a mutual childhood friend texted him saying "I have a surprise for you.....my super hot best friend". Knowing I was being set up made the whole thing extremely uncomfortable and it wasn't until we were strategically left alone that I finally got to talking to him. We talked for hours and at the end of the night he kissed my forhead and the rest is history. We've been together that day since May 17th of or Sophomore year in high school (2008 at 15 and 16).

2. Where is your favorite place to go on vacation?
I've been to Disney World once in my life, last summer. I'm itching to go back already! I can not wait until the day we can take our kids and do it up right!

3. What are you most excited about when it comes to being a mommy?
I could go on forever with this one. But I will leave it at creating magical memorable Christmas mornings.

4. Who is your biggest support system?
Next to Taylor  of course, I would have to say Nikki. If you read my blog and you grew up with us I'm sure you've witnessed the friendship we share, and if you read it at all I know you've heard her name. We (and Dennis) got close in the seventh grade. Our friendship is one that has withstood miles, teenage arguments, quiet periods, and some of the words days of our lives. But she's there for it all for everything. We are in constant communication, and she makes sure to know every detail of whats going on during any given cycle, when I'm due to test, and the dates of my doctors appointments and what happens at them. I could NOT have asked for a better best friend, after all I hand picked her myself ;)

5. What is your guilty pleasure food?
Sour candy oh and pizza 

6. What is your favorite day to remember?
It sounds silly, but the day we spent at Disney World. It was the definition of a perfect day. It's true what they say it really is the happiest place on Earth.

7. What song means the most to you and why?
Well it changes often, I'm one of those people totally entranced by the lyrics, what they mean and how they can relate to me or impact me. A song for me, can change my whole day. Currently its "Gone Gone Gone" by Phillip Phillips. Before I got pregnant with Bump I used to sing it outloud with the idea that I was singing it to my babies, how I would do anything to protect them endlessly. And when I became pregnant I would belt it in the car to my belly. And these days I still sing it to my babies to come, and I sing it to Bump "I'll love you long after you're gone gone gone"

8. Name a random fact about you.
I completed my senior year of high school in 4 months gaining 7 credits and somehow managed to have a halfway decent gpa. No one understands how proud I was of myself for walking across that stage.

9. What is your favorite thing to do on weekends?
Stay in bed with Taylor all day watching movies.

10. How as infertility effected you? The good and the bad.
Good- I didn't know I could possibly be this strong after the things I've endured. It's made me a better and more compassionate person. It's forced Taylor and I to be closer in ways I didn't know imaginable. And I know because of this fight my babies will be so cherished not just by us but by our loved ones. Its already made me a better mom.

Bad- For the last two years when planning vacations I say "well hopefully I'm pregnant" or "well it depends on if I'm pregnant". My life revolves around the prospect of maybe, and I hate it. Oh and lets not get started on my newly acquired anxiety.

Now its my turn to nominate and I've chosen two.
Suzie Garner - Suize has become hands down one of my best friends. Her support not just for me but for numerous girls in our instagram community (yes I do have a ttc instagram, it exists and no its not for real life friends lol). I am so lucky to know her and have connected with her through a similar battle,  her strength and selflessness amazes me every day.  And I could not be more excited for the new chapter in their journey that's begun.

And my Twinsie  (whose blog remains anonymous to the real world therefor I wont put her actual name). Our stories are almost identical and as crazy as it seems we're convinced the Twinsie status we've had going since before we knew each other will get us preggers together. Our current (similarly medicated) cycles are insanely close. She is the most caring person I know, if you're on my facebook and remember the pizza that was her lol. Her love of others surpasses that of anyone I've ever met. I am lucky to be her friend.

So girls like my questions answered above here are yours, they were difficult to come up with as I have the pleasure of knowing you both SO well.

1. What picks you back up when you're feeling down?
2. How has infertility changed you?
3. Has infertility effected the ways in which you are choosing to parent?
4. Where is your favorite place, in the world?
5. What is your favorite past time?
6. Do you have a dream job?
7. What song has brought you either peace, joy or strength in this journey?
8. What could you eat forever?
9. If you could host a world wide ttcsisters meet up where wold we do it and what would we do?
10. Finally, what do you admire most about your husband?


Thats all readers, thank you for the love and support. And for reading!
Until Next time, xoxo
Momma D 

Bring it.

I've had a count down for the last two weeks on our white board in the kitchen, "1 week", "5 days" "two days" and finally I wiped it away this morning. Today was the day! I've spent the last month stuck in a rut (understandably so). Being stuck is a hard place to be, when you're me. Today was the day I finally regained some of that control back. It was finally appointment day.

I sat in the parking lot for a good ten minutes before talked myself into going in. Because you see as excited I was (and am) to jump back in, I was equally terrified to face the harsh reality of what happened only a month ago. I knew as soon as Dr. Roach walked into the room we would be going over as she called it "my most recent pregnancy". And that is exactly what we did. In the little room at the end of the hallway we went over every date, detail, symptom and hcg number. Much to my surprise I mustered through all that without being a puddle on the floor. I must say I'm rather proud of myself.

She flipped through my charts, she nodded and, "mhmm"'d for a few minutes and then she asked "How much more metformin can your body handle" I looked at her with a straight face and responded "Bring it!"

I don't know if I've mentioned before the numerous areas aside from the reproductive system that are effected my pcos. My hair is thin and falls out, my face breaks out, I get debilitating migraines and pcos does a really good job at messing with your insulin levels. Metformin (oddly enough, an anti diabetic) helps keep that regulated. So we upped that to the highest dosage allowed, because the lower the insulin "the better the blood flow to the placenta", which means better for the baby! PCOS has gives me a higher than average rate for a reoccurring miscarriage, and my doctor is confident that this is the best way to prevent another loss. So much medical talk today hope I didn't loose you, sorry guys and I hope I didn't gross you out with my placenta mentioning.

Everything else, remains the same I will be on the same 3 medications that got me pregnant with Bump, because we know they work. So we upped my Metformin, refilled my Chlomid and Cabergonoline and printed a lab slip for the half way point of our two week wait. So for now, this cycle has officially started and on Cycle day 3, I take my first Chlomid (ovulatiory assistance drug) of five, and we wait for the positive ovulation test (which is looking to be around Valentines day, hey hey hey). I can feel it all the way down to my toes, this is going to be a good month!

Special thank you to everyone who facebooked, instagramed, texted and called me today with wishes of goof luck, prayers and support for today. None of this would all be possible, if we didn't have the best support system in the world right by our side.

Armed with tokens off good luck, 

I walked to the end of the hallway, and we made a plan.

Infertility, I'm gonna kick your butt! For real this time!

XOXOXO

Momma D.

Goodbye to January

On this day last month, New Yeas Eve to be exact I was still celebrating my pregnancy with family happily sipping my sparkling grape juice and so sure that 2014 was going to be the best year yet. I posted a 6 week chalk board picture that evening, I had no idea at the time that would be my last update on the pregnancy. That day, feels like an eternity ago.

January 3rd I had my first scare, but reassured myself convinced I was over reacting, only to have our hearts shattered and fears confirmed on January 4th 2014.  So January, the longest most painful month of my life do not let the door hit you on the way out. 31 days have never felt longer or heavier.

Almost a month to the date later, the tears are fewer and farther between but not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I can plaster on a smile and pretend I'm not sad. But the truth is my heart still hurts, I am still confused, I still ache for my first pregnancy. I tell my husband and my close friends all the time, I'm not near as strong as everyone thinks I am.It is so easy for me to put on the persona of the girl behind the blog. The who bounces back from disappointment, the strong inspirational girl who steps away from her problems without looking back. The girl everyone expects me to be. And most of the time, I am her. Not this time. But if I pretend I'm strong, if I pretend I'm okay then maybe I will be? Apparently not, because at this moment I am writing through a blur of tears, a break down I've managed to avoid for about a week.

As we move into a new month I am overwhelmed. I want to skip over these dates on the calendar as if they never happened. But on the other hand I am ready for them to pass, so that I can move forward. On Monday (coincidentally the 3rd) we step back into the office of North Houston Center of Reproductive Medicine. And when I say we I mean I (oh railroad). I will with a heavy heart review the details of the last month with my reproductive specialist as we finalize our plan for the next cycle. And  thankfully because my body has been cooperative with high hopes next week we will take the big plunge back into the world of fertility drugs, hot flashes, and blood work. But all not without a little fear and a dose of doubt. What if it happens again?  What if it takes a long time to happen? Can I handle that? What it was a one time pregnancy and the medicine doesn't work? All thoughts I can not seem erase. But unfortunately, I wont know the answers to any of these until I try. And I can't get out of this bad place I'm in until we move forward. So sink or swim February we're coming for you.

I by no means wrote today for sympathy of any kind, this blog has always been intended to be my outlet and I've said it before some parts of this journey aren't pretty. Today is one of those times. So I'm sorry if I'm downing your Friday evening, take comfort in the fact that tomorrow I will be bright and peppy again, but sometimes I break.

But as always I wont end on a sad note, some happiness from the world of the Denman's (well sorta). This week Texas experienced a bout of winter weather (that rudely interrupted my week, but that's another story) it reminded me of the happy snow days I had in North Carolina, snow ball fights with neighbors, soaked gloves, cold feet but always going right back out for more. Those days are few and far between in good ol' Gaston county but man were they some of my favorite days. So here in Texas the only accumulation we had was sleet all over our cars. But in the spirit of snow day, and being who she is my best friend and number one cheerleader sent me this from the UNCC campus this week! I could not ask for a better support system. Thank you Nikki.

"The day you slipped away, was the day I found I wont be the same" 

Today's blog was brought to you by PMS.

Until next time readers. Well to be more specific until Monday. Because Monday is finally appointment day *does happy dance* then curls back up on the couch with ice cream.

xoxo

My life is like a lemon drop

"My life is like a lemon drop I'm suckin on the bitter to get to the sweet part I know there are better days ahead." 

Someone told me once a few years ago that that song "Lemon Drop" by the Pistol Annie's depicted my life, and at this point I would have to agree.

Such a bittersweet day. I have to come to terms with the fact that it's all actually over. Today I went in for my last hcg blood draw for Bump. You see until today I have been considered "pregnant" on paper even though I have miscarried.  Once hcg drops below 5 is when you're considered "not pregnant" but if there is something keeping keeping the levels up (but not up enough for there to be a baby) then my body would need assistance with the rest. Luckily at this point it's just a formality. On Jan. 4th when I was admitted into the hospital for a threatened miscarriage I was at 20 two days later at my follow up I was a 7 so there is no doubt in my mind that my body has cooperated. So it's over and that's sad, I miss my baby. But it's over so that's good, we can start over. You see  the bittersweetness I am currently struggling with?

On another note I have something a little less depressing to share. Now if don't have a lot of knowledge in the ttc department, or the female reproductive system it's possible this is going to go right over your head.

These two pink lines are not quite as exciting as the ones I am hoping for at the end of February but they sure made my heart jump! The two lines being the same color indicate ovulation! Now we are currently not cleared to actually try and given the situation it's best for me to the back to our RE (fertility specialist) and make a new plan. Throw in the fact that without fertility meds my ovulation has been declared "dysfunctional" and to anyone else it's not a big deal. But none the less to us and anyone in a similar situation it's very exciting! Many women don't ovulate for months after a loss and I am thankful my body is returning to it's version of dysfunctional normal. This all means we can expect to be starting our next medicated cycle at the beginning of February! So exciting!

So now that I have discussed a couple of my bodily functions with you guys (I mean what fun is an inferity blog without a little over sharing) if you're still reading I have one more thing to share, that really just makes my heart happy. 

I've received ALOT of feedback lately. And if you follow me on any form of social media aside from blogger you already know we broke the 3000+ views seal! Probably not a lot in the terms of the super bloggers but I've only been at this since November so I'm pretty proud of it. With permission I wanted to share just a bit of the feed back with you. 

"That's because.... You're honest and genuine. Kind and real, you reaching out and sharing your story helps others feel empowered and tell their stories. I'm so lucky to be a part of your journey and your life. When we all fight this fight together we all win. I love you how you never give up or give in. You're mature beyond your years Lora, you handle life with class and grace when your heart aches. I love you so much, thank you for sharing your life. 

- Jennifer, Canada (fellow ttcer)

"You're legit my hero. I love reading your blog posts. Keep it coming (: I admire your strength & you never give up! I love it!"

- Wednesday Watkins, North Carolina

Each message and comment means so much to me and I'm thankful to have reached such a wide range of people but still personally talk with everyone whose reached out from people I'm close with, people whom I haven't spoken with in years, people I never knew personally and people I have never even met. 

My mission has been to help educate people on the taboo topic that infertility and to let famlies like us know that they are not alone and it is okay to talk about your struggles. I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm accomplishing something with this thing. Here's a small exert from a fellow ttcer's blog. I cried. 

"It honestly scares the hell out of me to put myself out there like this but a very sweet, loving, amazing woman gave me the confidence to just go for it. Thanks Lora, I know we have only known each other a short time and only through social media but I can't thank you enough for giving me the courage to do this" 

Okay I'm done with this novel of a blog post now.  I will leave you with this a beautiful sentiment from a fellow ttcer and angel mom. Thank you so much Jessica and Babiilove Graphicz, I look forward to the Light The Night With Love lantern release later this year! 

T-minus 2 weeks & 2 days till appointment day! #teamBabyDenman

Resolutions and rejuvenation

January is half way over and after picking the pieces of myself off the ground I've finally decided on not one but two new years resolutions. In 2013 my New Years resolution was to get pregnant and in the finishing weeks of that year I succeeded only to loose our miracle to soon. So I have decided that this year part one of my New Years resolution is to have a baby, a bit more specific this time. This year we continue to fight to hold our babies on earth while God holds bump in heaven. (que tears...sigh)

Part two of my New Years resolution is actually a promise Taylor and I made when I was pregnant. We had decided that every month until the baby came we would have one date night a month. Not just dinner but dinner and some kind of activity weather it be walking the waterway, a movie, ice skating, window shopping, well you get the point. The idea was to utilize time time that we had left as two before we became three and those date nights grew few and far between.
Infertility is a full time battle and I will be the first to admit that I can become consumed by the anxiety and stress it causes. But I've always said I will never loose myself or my marriage to this battle. And that is why we've decided to keep this commitment. Every month, not just this year but until we are joined by baby D we will commit one night to us. Enjoyment of our marriage with no distractions, doctors, thoughts of medication or heart break. Just the two of us remembering why we fell in love all those years ago.

So to kick off this new monthly ritual. We ran way.
To the beach!

Ready to forget the world and our grief we took off country music blaring. We were both so happy to get out of the house where we'd grieved and hurt. We arrived at our hotel to find this lonely penny on the thermostat.

Normally it would mean nothing to me but I saw it and almost burst into tears. Hours before we'd left I read a poem titled Pennies From Heaven. "He said when an angel misses you they toss a penny down. Sometimes just to cheer you up, make a smile out of your frown. So when you're feeling blue, it may be a penny from heaven that an angel tossed down to you." 
Maybe I'm crazy and maybe it was just pure irony but I took the penny and tucked it in my wallet behind my licence for safe keeping and good luck. A sign from Bump, the perfect way to kick off our trip.
We laughed and smiled. Real smiles for the first time in almost two weeks. We stayed up all night talking, went driving around in search of crappy fast food that was open at 1am, stuffed our face with complementary breakfast. We even watched the late showing of Pretty Little Liars, seriously my husband is the best. We sat on the rocks and watched the water come crashing and I told Taylor "The ocean has healing powers". It was so amazing to be us again, to reconnect to the people we have lost in this struggle. We had a late lunch at Joes Crab Shack, seemingly very fitting as it was the birth place of our relationship. Perfect place to end our rejuvenating getaway.

Two weeks and four days until we jump back in. With Bump still heavy on our hearts, we are anxious, excited and scared. Scared of another loss and scared it will take months and months. You've gotta want it more than you're afraid of it though right? That's our new motto.

So here's to healing and a new chapter in Team Baby Denman!