Best friends, wine and my negative pregnancy tests

I feel like every month my dreams are hanging on a thread I'm so close yet so far away. But at the same time it's become difficult for me to envision anything but failure in this aspect, when all I know is "no, not now" it becomes difficult to grasp as people put it "when the time will be right". God I wish it was as easy as "not thinking about it" or "not trying so hard" believe me if that was the answer I would drown my brain of all thoughts baby, but medically that's not the answer. Everyone tells me to "trust God" but personally I'm not under the impression that trusting God means halting treatment or tracking, I'm under the impression that he led us to our doctor and her team and not perusing this would be going against His will. But that being said I can not expect anyone who hasn't been in our shoes to understand and I know that all of those words come from a good place, I really do.

Now I wish this wasn't the blog post I was writing I wish the big photo blog post that I had planned that went into each individual cutsie corny ways we had planned to tell our family we were pregnant. But unfortunately that is not what this is. If you haven't caught on by the opening paragraph, I am indeed not pregnant. Round two of the fertility drugs did not stick and month number 18 is now phasing into number 19. I don't really have a lot of words right now/ I felt like for once the odds were possibly in our favor. It was seemingly perfection best friends flying into town, Christmas time, my hormones were finally on the right track I felt like it was all a big sign that this was when it was supposed to happen. 

In the same since oddly enough I can tell you I feel like this was also a perfect time for it to not work. Christmas time is my absolute favorite time of the year and some how even when I'm going through something that I can tell you has totally changed me I've somehow found happiness in the simplicity of things like holiday treats, Christmas music and movie marathons. Taylor has been working and sleeping and working and sleeping I feel like I haven't shared a real moment with him in almost a week. On the 12th my two best friends of 10+ years flew in to visit us. I can only imagine how much harder I would be taking this if they weren't here. Particularly with Taylor's work being so busy. But when I realized they were flying in literally on test day I knew it was going to be one of two things they were either going to share in the joy of a positive or to pick up the pieces of a negative. 

As much as this for lack of better words sucks, surprisingly I've been fairly numb to the whole thing. At least for now.  It's been a wonderful visit and I'm dreading the day that they leave. Memories have been made, wine has been drank...out of a sippy cup (yes this is what my life has come to, judge me), and I have truly cherished these days. I am very grateful to be in a position at work where I've only had to work 3 hours of their time here. It's the last time we will see Dennis before greeting him upon his return from his deployment in early 2015, so it will be a rather emotional departure on all of our parts. But as How I Met Your Mother has taught us, life is about who you will be sitting on your front porch with at 80. Our group of three has become a group of four and one day it will become a group of six and then more as we add little cousins. But nothing will change what we have. It's one of the best parts of my life. I feel so lucky.

So to all the good people of the blog world and my loyal followers who I am so incredibly thankful for this holiday season, Merry Christmas I pray your next two weeks are filled with love, family, friends and tasty treats! By the end of this week I will be back to hotflashes and hormone medications, I wont rest and I wont quit until we beat this! 2014 is going to be our year!