Pinch me I'm dreaming!

Happy almost New Years! I decided to blog today as we will be busy celebrating with family for the upcoming holiday. Wow what a year?! Thank you so much for sticking with us during this crazy year. I would not change blogging and sharing these struggles in any way! The love and support has gotten us through some dark times and I couldn't imagine not sharing the joy of my pregnancy in the same fashion. So the Team Baby Denman blog is not going anywhere!

Look at us last year carelessly ringing in the New Year. Any guesses as to what my New Years resolution was? If you guessed to get pregnant you were right. Winner winner chicken dinner! Hey look at that, I accomplished my resolution for the first time in my life! Go Lora!

Oh the things that have changed in the year since this photo was taken. For one Taylor was wearing a Texans hat, lets all take a moment to laugh at that. No free slushies for Ms. Lora and her girls this year. A few short weeks after this photo was taken I went in for my routine check up with my OB (you know the fun one) and I mentioned our failure to conceive. That day was the first time "infertility" became a legitimate fear of ours as we were sent for our first round of testing.

I can give you a quick break down of the nitty gritty testing went on for quite some time. I can not tell you how many vials of blood I lost this year, how many "cups" got used, or how much our insurance was billed (Thank God!). February - August was a lot of hurry up and wait and a lot testing. In August I had a hysterosalpingogram (hsg) which I will tell you was single handedly the most physically painful I endured during this battle. "It wont hurt a bit" my RE told me the doctor who preformed this procedure lied to me, her precise words were "Well it didn't hurt the doctor!"

I absolutely adore Dr. Roach who we met in September. She changed our lives, no joke. She diagnosed me with PCOS and started us right away on our first medicated cycle. I was so excited for these hot flashes and mood swings. Half way in we had to cancel the cycle and buy a box of condoms because I had to get a measles shot. A measles shot is a live vaccine which can cause the baby brain damage if given the month of conception, the same thing also could happen upon contact and my body had kicked mine from child hood. Seriously everything happens to me. A few weeks later for the second time my prolactin came back elevated and my doctor ordered an MRI to check for a pituitary tumor that could be causing it. If you don't know this about me, I'm claustrophobic, you can imagine how that went. Did I mention it lasted 45 minutes. That month we took a break from medication. The MRI came back showing now tumor only some built up fluid thats been treated with medication and we were thankful! Hick ups were all finally in tact and everything was perfect! We waited for my next cycle to start and we were back at it, the rest is history! Now we're 6 weeks pregnant!

Now infertility wasn't the only thing that happened this year. It really was an amazing, unforgetable and eventful year! We became God parents to the most beautiful little boy I've ever sat eyes on! We went to Disneyworld, Palm Beach, The Florida Keys and Destin all in one amazing week long road trip! I went kayaking for the first time when we celebrated our first wedding anniversary. We went camping on the beach, to Schlitterbahn twice, to Mardi Gras, I saw the Backstreet Boys reunited for the first time in years with one of my best friends and we flew to my home town and saw some of my favorite people for the first time in years. I feel so blessed to have had the adventures and to have made the memories I have this year.

My year couldn't have ended on a better note, finding out after 18 months we're pregnant surrounded by my best friends! And then spending Christmas sharing the news with our family. It is so surreal to be on the other side of this. But strangely I couldn't imagine it any other way. Had I gotten pregnant the old fashion way I don't think I would be as grateful for every single moment. For the bloating after dinner when you can really see a bump, to the nausea and exhaustion. If it didn't happen the way it would it wouldn't be this baby, it wouldn't be these moments. My heart is happiest right before bed when Taylor kisses my belly and lays on it for five minutes or so and we talk and day dream about when we become three. We are already so in love with you Bump (this is the gender neutral name we've given the baby for now).

"We have died every day waiting for you, darling don't be afraid we have loved you for a thousand years, we'll love you for a thousand more" 

Ps: A special thank you to my friend Leah for taking the time and spending a Saturday with us doing these pictures. They're beautiful and we're so grateful!

Twas the week before Christmas

Twas the week before Christmas and the Denman house was full of friends, laughter and unknown to us a Christmas miracle. After nine count them NINE negative pregnancy tests I had come to terms with my second failed medical cycle. I reluctantly wrote my last blog post and went about my day.

Starving Nikki, Dennis and I voted on Mexican food before shipping Dennis off at 3am the next morning. I went into my bathroom to get ready and something caught my eye. There sitting at the top of my bathroom trash can was the faintest positive pregnancy test. Positive I'd lost my mind I screamed for them both to come in the room. And sure enough I wasn't crazy they saw it too!

Very anxious we all sat down to lunch at my favorite Mexican place. We stopped at Wal-Mart on the way home to grab a First Response (the original was a cheep 88 cent one from walmart, I've since learned brand does make a difference! Or it did in my case at least!) and I set my mind to holding my pee for four hours.
During their visit Taylor spent alot of time at work and he happened to miss this whole ordeal. So when he came home that evening and hopped in the shower the four hour mark hit. Nikki and I closed ourselves in the tiny guest bathroom and I took the test and slowly we watched it turn from a blank white test into an incredibly dark positive. We both screamed and burst into tears.
I paced and paced outside of the master bathroom hollering to Taylor that dinner was done.

Finally he walked into the living room and the three of us anxiously sat on the couch while Nikki held my phone in her lap on record. I stood up and said "We bought you something today for working so hard, we felt so bad you couldn't spend time with us". In the gift bag I gave him was the shirt I bought him over a year ago (pictured below) that says "This guys going to be a daddy!" He dropped the shirt and stared at me in disbelief "For real? No like for real!?" Hugs and kisses and tears! Followed by celebratory stuffed shells for dinner.

Since then two blood tests have confirmed the pregnancy and also confirmed that things are moving along perfectly! Our first ultrasound is scheduled for the 6th of January and we can not wait to get our eyes on our tiny speck on the small screen! I will remain on a couple baby safe precautionary medications to assure that things move along perfectly and to help prevent gestational diabetes no one wants that. Bonus side effect to my progesterone medication, I'm bloated and I'm looking slightly pregnant sooner!

It truly was the perfect way to end a perfect week. Surrounded by some of my favorite people, celebrating our very own Christmas Miracle. Baby Denman we've been waiting for you for a long time and we are so anxious to meet you in August!

Thank you for supporting us through our Journey with infertility! I plan to start a new series in the #teambabyDenman blog about phase two of our journey. We could've not been this strong without all of the love and prayers!

Here's a peek into the last few days, it's been wonderful! 

Best friends, wine and my negative pregnancy tests

I feel like every month my dreams are hanging on a thread I'm so close yet so far away. But at the same time it's become difficult for me to envision anything but failure in this aspect, when all I know is "no, not now" it becomes difficult to grasp as people put it "when the time will be right". God I wish it was as easy as "not thinking about it" or "not trying so hard" believe me if that was the answer I would drown my brain of all thoughts baby, but medically that's not the answer. Everyone tells me to "trust God" but personally I'm not under the impression that trusting God means halting treatment or tracking, I'm under the impression that he led us to our doctor and her team and not perusing this would be going against His will. But that being said I can not expect anyone who hasn't been in our shoes to understand and I know that all of those words come from a good place, I really do.

Now I wish this wasn't the blog post I was writing I wish the big photo blog post that I had planned that went into each individual cutsie corny ways we had planned to tell our family we were pregnant. But unfortunately that is not what this is. If you haven't caught on by the opening paragraph, I am indeed not pregnant. Round two of the fertility drugs did not stick and month number 18 is now phasing into number 19. I don't really have a lot of words right now/ I felt like for once the odds were possibly in our favor. It was seemingly perfection best friends flying into town, Christmas time, my hormones were finally on the right track I felt like it was all a big sign that this was when it was supposed to happen. 

In the same since oddly enough I can tell you I feel like this was also a perfect time for it to not work. Christmas time is my absolute favorite time of the year and some how even when I'm going through something that I can tell you has totally changed me I've somehow found happiness in the simplicity of things like holiday treats, Christmas music and movie marathons. Taylor has been working and sleeping and working and sleeping I feel like I haven't shared a real moment with him in almost a week. On the 12th my two best friends of 10+ years flew in to visit us. I can only imagine how much harder I would be taking this if they weren't here. Particularly with Taylor's work being so busy. But when I realized they were flying in literally on test day I knew it was going to be one of two things they were either going to share in the joy of a positive or to pick up the pieces of a negative. 

As much as this for lack of better words sucks, surprisingly I've been fairly numb to the whole thing. At least for now.  It's been a wonderful visit and I'm dreading the day that they leave. Memories have been made, wine has been drank...out of a sippy cup (yes this is what my life has come to, judge me), and I have truly cherished these days. I am very grateful to be in a position at work where I've only had to work 3 hours of their time here. It's the last time we will see Dennis before greeting him upon his return from his deployment in early 2015, so it will be a rather emotional departure on all of our parts. But as How I Met Your Mother has taught us, life is about who you will be sitting on your front porch with at 80. Our group of three has become a group of four and one day it will become a group of six and then more as we add little cousins. But nothing will change what we have. It's one of the best parts of my life. I feel so lucky.

So to all the good people of the blog world and my loyal followers who I am so incredibly thankful for this holiday season, Merry Christmas I pray your next two weeks are filled with love, family, friends and tasty treats! By the end of this week I will be back to hotflashes and hormone medications, I wont rest and I wont quit until we beat this! 2014 is going to be our year! 

The two week wait

Happy December readers! I hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving! I know we did, plus I snagged some awesome Black Friday deals so that's always a bonus! Hopefully next year I will be hitting up Toys R Us at midnight if you catch my drift ;)

So I know you are all dying for an update. Or at least I assume you are. As I type we are three days into the dreaded two week wait. Between working with children for the last four years, house training two very stubborn puppies and trying to have a baby for the last eighteen months you'd think patience would be my middle name. Saddley if that is your thought you are mistaken. Because this two week wait is torture!

For those of you who don't speak ttc (tying to conceive) the two week wait is that happy time of your cycle (the month) between ovulation and your period. I know I know gross, typically I try to keep talk of my bodily functions to a minimum but I figured I'd add some clarity.

So how does one keep sane during the two week wait? I won't lie to you, I went to Walmart this weekend and bought 10 pregnancy tests. And a cake mix. And that's it. I proudly walked myself...... to self check out. Lol! Crazy lady allert?! But can you blame me?

Not only am I awaiting testing day but in 9 days two of my very best friends are flying in to spend 6 and 7 days with us! Really they couldn't be coming at a better time because either they will be sharing in our joy and celebrating with us. Or they will be sharing in a bottle of wine with us and lifting our spirits. And when I say wine I mean vodka. Just kidding. But  I think because they're going to be here, either way I am going to be okay. 

So here's what we know. The medications that they have me on work for me, blood tests showed everything functioning perfectly so from this point on it's a matter of biology. And patience. This is our 4 month plan before pulling out the big guns this spring. Artificial insemination. I pray we don't see that day, but also I will welcome it with open arms if it is in fact the means we need to have a baby. 

Now with all of this being said I'm sure you will know right away if this cycle fails in the form of a depressing yet optimistic blog post (just being honest here lol). And that is pretty much the only clue that I can give you guys at this point. I have a very elaborate Facebook/blogger pregnancy anouncment planed but first we have to strategically tell family and close friends. In our situation loss is not uncommon, and though I am strong I do not know that I have the strength to publicly retract a pregnancy anouncment. So you guys are in your own "waiting period" if you follow us regularly! 

So for the next two weeks while I symptom check, cross days off the calendar as try to keep myself busy I will cherish the things that bring joy to my life and a smile to my face like my job, trips to the dog park, ABC Family's 25 days of Christmas, Dr. Pepper icees, receiving Christmas cards and lazy days with my honey! 

As always thank you for your prayers support as sticking with us!

Also while my last post was brough to you by a cold rainy night, today it was 80 degrees. So no fire. Texas is so weird cause there's a chance of freezing rain Saturday. But I did promise a certain God baby momma a photo of my Christmas mantle in this blog post  :) So here you are!

Thanksgiving

Ms. Lora out!
I am officially on Thanksgiving break. The next week of my life shall consist of, a doctors appointments (ah, infertility), lots of time in the car, family, friends, time spent in a flour covered apron baking, Black Fridaying (on Friday of course not Thursday) and of course lots and lots of food! I can already see the days passing far to quickly. It should be nothing shy of a wonderful week. I'm very glad people took to the fist post, lucky you guys because my butt is planted in my recliner for the night by the fire Taylor built me before he left for his night shift so you get a pre-Thanksgiving post :)

This month all over facebook including my own there have been post of thanks. I've done this every year for a few years now and always start to run short towards the end but this year I've found there are not enough days! My family, my friends, my virtual support group, my babies (puppies), the super awesome kids in my life, my material possessions and home. I could go on all night and tell you about all the points in my life that I happen to find wonderful. I know I am a very lucky lady.

I feel like my marriage though I've rewordedly been thankful for it numerous times on my facebook really deserves a shout out. Because while as Thanksgiving comes upon us we are childless so many people are alone. Every step of the way he holds my hand, every mood swing he deals with with kindness and understanding, he lets the house stay cold to get me through hot flashes, because as often as I put on the "Positive, we've got this, God is on our side" face there are some not pretty parts to this story. And he's there with never changing love. After all the family leaves, the parties die down and the decorations go back in the attic it's us, the best part of my life and I'm thankful for him every day, every month.

This year I come into the holiday season with a new mind set and new knowledge. My excitement for the memories I will share with my future children has often been replaced for ache. I have spent my life living for the months of October - December and I never thought I'd see the day when I said "the holidays are rough for me this year".  And frankly this year I have no intention of scrooging it up either. I will hold your babies, eat your cookies and sing Christmas Carols at the top of my lungs. So even if it means painting a smile on my face with a sharpie I'm going to make sure I enjoy myself. I can not sit here and tell my readers that I don't envy the Santa pictures, the "my first Thanksgiving" onesies or the cute holiday themed pregnancy announcements. That would be a lie. But what I can tell you is, that while praying, wishing and hoping I am reminded that I have so much to be thankful for, and there is so much in my life worth celebrating.

Tonight's blog post brought to you by a Texas version of a "Winter Blast", my recliner and this warm toasty fire :) PS: We moved our stockings around because of the flame I promise you next week my mantle will not look anything close to this junky. lol!

Even miracles take a little time.

So this is something I have been contemplating for a while, publicly blogging our journey. I can't promise I will keep up with it though, I love the idea of blogging I like documenting every moment of our life and our journey. I have always been a writer. I want our child to know that they were a miracle and I want the world to know. And you know maybe, someone will learn something or maybe someone in our shoes will feel less alone. If it wasn't for all of your constant love and support I would not have the courage to speak out, it means so much to me to receive the messages of encouragement from people I haven't spoken to in years, or seeing people hash tag Team Baby Denman as support it makes my heart so full you have no idea what you do for me every day.

Time is a funny thing. God's timing specifically, it's been weighing on my mind alot lately.
Some of you know that around this time last year we'd decided we were "doing it at the wrong time" and that's why after some time we weren't preggers. So we charted every nitty gritty detail last November and we were sure we'd conceived our Christmas miracle. Our last baby free Christmas we called it we were so confident you can imagine our devastation when a week before Christmas yet another negative. And then this year rocked our worlds. The tests, the needles, the poking, the probing (yes probing), the procedures, appointments, the pills and their side effects this has definitely been a year I wont easily forget.

That being said, it's been a year and we are still crossing our fingers for the lingering hope that this round works and we get our Christmas miracle yet again. But this year it's with a wiser mind set.

I feel like everything in our relationship has led us to this point. Everything in our lives! We are where we're supposed to be even though it hurts sometimes. Taylor and I met at 15 and 16 and were married just shy of two years post high school. People said we rushed it but we disagree I know he's the only guy for me, he's the father of my future children and he's who I will lay my head down to at night every night for the rest of my nights. And I can only imagine he feels the same about me. The plan had always been 2 by 25 and we're done! We want to enjoy our children as they age and we wanted our parents to be able to enjoy our children and our grandparents. We got married, we have the financial means, we have the "nursery" that is currently our dogs room lol. It should've all fallen into place perfectly. But it didn't.

But I think we're where God wants us to be. He wants us to fight this fight to build us into the perfect parents for those babies we are so anxiously awaiting. So maybe we wont be done by 25 maybe we will have one, or maybe twins! (Side note that would be AMAZING so if you pray for us you know what to do lol). But while our plan on our time went astray, God's plan has always put us right where it needed us.  I feel like everyday I am becoming more at peace with this.

So while it's been a hard year, it's been nothing short of a fabulous year!