Goodbye to January

On this day last month, New Yeas Eve to be exact I was still celebrating my pregnancy with family happily sipping my sparkling grape juice and so sure that 2014 was going to be the best year yet. I posted a 6 week chalk board picture that evening, I had no idea at the time that would be my last update on the pregnancy. That day, feels like an eternity ago.

January 3rd I had my first scare, but reassured myself convinced I was over reacting, only to have our hearts shattered and fears confirmed on January 4th 2014.  So January, the longest most painful month of my life do not let the door hit you on the way out. 31 days have never felt longer or heavier.

Almost a month to the date later, the tears are fewer and farther between but not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I can plaster on a smile and pretend I'm not sad. But the truth is my heart still hurts, I am still confused, I still ache for my first pregnancy. I tell my husband and my close friends all the time, I'm not near as strong as everyone thinks I am.It is so easy for me to put on the persona of the girl behind the blog. The who bounces back from disappointment, the strong inspirational girl who steps away from her problems without looking back. The girl everyone expects me to be. And most of the time, I am her. Not this time. But if I pretend I'm strong, if I pretend I'm okay then maybe I will be? Apparently not, because at this moment I am writing through a blur of tears, a break down I've managed to avoid for about a week.

As we move into a new month I am overwhelmed. I want to skip over these dates on the calendar as if they never happened. But on the other hand I am ready for them to pass, so that I can move forward. On Monday (coincidentally the 3rd) we step back into the office of North Houston Center of Reproductive Medicine. And when I say we I mean I (oh railroad). I will with a heavy heart review the details of the last month with my reproductive specialist as we finalize our plan for the next cycle. And  thankfully because my body has been cooperative with high hopes next week we will take the big plunge back into the world of fertility drugs, hot flashes, and blood work. But all not without a little fear and a dose of doubt. What if it happens again?  What if it takes a long time to happen? Can I handle that? What it was a one time pregnancy and the medicine doesn't work? All thoughts I can not seem erase. But unfortunately, I wont know the answers to any of these until I try. And I can't get out of this bad place I'm in until we move forward. So sink or swim February we're coming for you.

I by no means wrote today for sympathy of any kind, this blog has always been intended to be my outlet and I've said it before some parts of this journey aren't pretty. Today is one of those times. So I'm sorry if I'm downing your Friday evening, take comfort in the fact that tomorrow I will be bright and peppy again, but sometimes I break.

But as always I wont end on a sad note, some happiness from the world of the Denman's (well sorta). This week Texas experienced a bout of winter weather (that rudely interrupted my week, but that's another story) it reminded me of the happy snow days I had in North Carolina, snow ball fights with neighbors, soaked gloves, cold feet but always going right back out for more. Those days are few and far between in good ol' Gaston county but man were they some of my favorite days. So here in Texas the only accumulation we had was sleet all over our cars. But in the spirit of snow day, and being who she is my best friend and number one cheerleader sent me this from the UNCC campus this week! I could not ask for a better support system. Thank you Nikki.

"The day you slipped away, was the day I found I wont be the same" 

Today's blog was brought to you by PMS.

Until next time readers. Well to be more specific until Monday. Because Monday is finally appointment day *does happy dance* then curls back up on the couch with ice cream.

xoxo

My life is like a lemon drop

"My life is like a lemon drop I'm suckin on the bitter to get to the sweet part I know there are better days ahead." 

Someone told me once a few years ago that that song "Lemon Drop" by the Pistol Annie's depicted my life, and at this point I would have to agree.

Such a bittersweet day. I have to come to terms with the fact that it's all actually over. Today I went in for my last hcg blood draw for Bump. You see until today I have been considered "pregnant" on paper even though I have miscarried.  Once hcg drops below 5 is when you're considered "not pregnant" but if there is something keeping keeping the levels up (but not up enough for there to be a baby) then my body would need assistance with the rest. Luckily at this point it's just a formality. On Jan. 4th when I was admitted into the hospital for a threatened miscarriage I was at 20 two days later at my follow up I was a 7 so there is no doubt in my mind that my body has cooperated. So it's over and that's sad, I miss my baby. But it's over so that's good, we can start over. You see  the bittersweetness I am currently struggling with?

On another note I have something a little less depressing to share. Now if don't have a lot of knowledge in the ttc department, or the female reproductive system it's possible this is going to go right over your head.

These two pink lines are not quite as exciting as the ones I am hoping for at the end of February but they sure made my heart jump! The two lines being the same color indicate ovulation! Now we are currently not cleared to actually try and given the situation it's best for me to the back to our RE (fertility specialist) and make a new plan. Throw in the fact that without fertility meds my ovulation has been declared "dysfunctional" and to anyone else it's not a big deal. But none the less to us and anyone in a similar situation it's very exciting! Many women don't ovulate for months after a loss and I am thankful my body is returning to it's version of dysfunctional normal. This all means we can expect to be starting our next medicated cycle at the beginning of February! So exciting!

So now that I have discussed a couple of my bodily functions with you guys (I mean what fun is an inferity blog without a little over sharing) if you're still reading I have one more thing to share, that really just makes my heart happy. 

I've received ALOT of feedback lately. And if you follow me on any form of social media aside from blogger you already know we broke the 3000+ views seal! Probably not a lot in the terms of the super bloggers but I've only been at this since November so I'm pretty proud of it. With permission I wanted to share just a bit of the feed back with you. 

"That's because.... You're honest and genuine. Kind and real, you reaching out and sharing your story helps others feel empowered and tell their stories. I'm so lucky to be a part of your journey and your life. When we all fight this fight together we all win. I love you how you never give up or give in. You're mature beyond your years Lora, you handle life with class and grace when your heart aches. I love you so much, thank you for sharing your life. 

- Jennifer, Canada (fellow ttcer)

"You're legit my hero. I love reading your blog posts. Keep it coming (: I admire your strength & you never give up! I love it!"

- Wednesday Watkins, North Carolina

Each message and comment means so much to me and I'm thankful to have reached such a wide range of people but still personally talk with everyone whose reached out from people I'm close with, people whom I haven't spoken with in years, people I never knew personally and people I have never even met. 

My mission has been to help educate people on the taboo topic that infertility and to let famlies like us know that they are not alone and it is okay to talk about your struggles. I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm accomplishing something with this thing. Here's a small exert from a fellow ttcer's blog. I cried. 

"It honestly scares the hell out of me to put myself out there like this but a very sweet, loving, amazing woman gave me the confidence to just go for it. Thanks Lora, I know we have only known each other a short time and only through social media but I can't thank you enough for giving me the courage to do this" 

Okay I'm done with this novel of a blog post now.  I will leave you with this a beautiful sentiment from a fellow ttcer and angel mom. Thank you so much Jessica and Babiilove Graphicz, I look forward to the Light The Night With Love lantern release later this year! 

T-minus 2 weeks & 2 days till appointment day! #teamBabyDenman

Resolutions and rejuvenation

January is half way over and after picking the pieces of myself off the ground I've finally decided on not one but two new years resolutions. In 2013 my New Years resolution was to get pregnant and in the finishing weeks of that year I succeeded only to loose our miracle to soon. So I have decided that this year part one of my New Years resolution is to have a baby, a bit more specific this time. This year we continue to fight to hold our babies on earth while God holds bump in heaven. (que tears...sigh)

Part two of my New Years resolution is actually a promise Taylor and I made when I was pregnant. We had decided that every month until the baby came we would have one date night a month. Not just dinner but dinner and some kind of activity weather it be walking the waterway, a movie, ice skating, window shopping, well you get the point. The idea was to utilize time time that we had left as two before we became three and those date nights grew few and far between.
Infertility is a full time battle and I will be the first to admit that I can become consumed by the anxiety and stress it causes. But I've always said I will never loose myself or my marriage to this battle. And that is why we've decided to keep this commitment. Every month, not just this year but until we are joined by baby D we will commit one night to us. Enjoyment of our marriage with no distractions, doctors, thoughts of medication or heart break. Just the two of us remembering why we fell in love all those years ago.

So to kick off this new monthly ritual. We ran way.
To the beach!

Ready to forget the world and our grief we took off country music blaring. We were both so happy to get out of the house where we'd grieved and hurt. We arrived at our hotel to find this lonely penny on the thermostat.

Normally it would mean nothing to me but I saw it and almost burst into tears. Hours before we'd left I read a poem titled Pennies From Heaven. "He said when an angel misses you they toss a penny down. Sometimes just to cheer you up, make a smile out of your frown. So when you're feeling blue, it may be a penny from heaven that an angel tossed down to you." 
Maybe I'm crazy and maybe it was just pure irony but I took the penny and tucked it in my wallet behind my licence for safe keeping and good luck. A sign from Bump, the perfect way to kick off our trip.
We laughed and smiled. Real smiles for the first time in almost two weeks. We stayed up all night talking, went driving around in search of crappy fast food that was open at 1am, stuffed our face with complementary breakfast. We even watched the late showing of Pretty Little Liars, seriously my husband is the best. We sat on the rocks and watched the water come crashing and I told Taylor "The ocean has healing powers". It was so amazing to be us again, to reconnect to the people we have lost in this struggle. We had a late lunch at Joes Crab Shack, seemingly very fitting as it was the birth place of our relationship. Perfect place to end our rejuvenating getaway.

Two weeks and four days until we jump back in. With Bump still heavy on our hearts, we are anxious, excited and scared. Scared of another loss and scared it will take months and months. You've gotta want it more than you're afraid of it though right? That's our new motto.

So here's to healing and a new chapter in Team Baby Denman! 

Life as we know it

"You are my angel, my darling, my star and my love will find you wherever you are"

I have a life and I have to live it. I have a job, and I need to work. I have a husband and I need to cook dinner for the two of us. I have 2 dogs who need walks. And I have friends who've made attempts at comforting me, and I need I let them in. Unfortunately all of this includes getting out the current comfort zone I've built for myself that is my recliner with my butt planted firmly infront of a roaring fire. This also includes getting out of bed in the morning. This is a task that has been difficult for me in the last few days. As has sleep. Laying in bed at night I question everything? Why us? Why our baby? When will this physical pain stop, for it has served as a constant reminder of our loss? At night I dream of the baby who has left us and in the morning I miss the baby we never got to hold. But the days, they are slowly improving. 

Monday was my first step back into reality. This included showering and wearing real cloths. And surprisingly dinner made by me. We attended what should've been bumps first ultrasound (thank you count down app for the reminder, I hate you). Not exactly how we expected our first prenatal visit to be. I cried as I replayed the story to my doctor and nurses. They were comforting and understanding. They answered all of Taylor's questions and addressed his and my own concerns. My body is healing as good as it can in these conditions and getting over the loss of bump. So far there have been no complications. It's amazing how quickly the body moves on even when the mind does not. 

After the apointment we saw my parents, my first face to face contact since the hospital with someone other than Taylor or a doctor. It was surprisingly refreshing. Though they didn't know we were coming by, my dad had my favorite snack in the fridge "in case I came by and was hungry". Points to my dad. And as of today work too has resumed. 

I feel like everyone's grief is different an we all heal in different ways. As much as I wanted to hide from my life normalcy seems to be helping. That is why I'm writing this. Batteling infertility as hard as it is sometimes IS our normal. Seriously you'd be surprised at how I don't even flinch anymore for a blood draw. So with that I say team baby Denman will be diving back in head first in Febuary. I set up an appointment with our fabulous fertility specialist for Febuary 3rd to discuss starting over, the next steps and what we can do differently. I don't know what to expect out of my body after all of this and I'm currently on pelvic rest so I can't put a guestament on our next medicated cycle. But whenever it is and whatever changes we plan to tackle it. My doctors seem confident my next pregnancy wil be a viable one and right now that is where I am putting my trust. We are anxious, and nervous and excited and still hurting. But one thing we are not is quitters. 

I can not begin to tell you all how indescribably thankful I am for the out pour of support that's been thrown our way. From friends, family, strangers, my ttc sisters and even some surprises. I've spent the last few days ignoring texts and declining phone calls. I plan to make an attempt to get back to everyone in the next few days. I speak for myself and Taylor when I say there has not been one moment we have regretted sharing this journey with you. Thank you, thank you, thank you over and over again for the love and support! 

Oh and Pretty Little LiArs comes back tonight, I'm happy to have something to look forward to. 

Until next time readers. Xoxo

6 weeks and 4 days

"I carried you every second of your life and I will love you every second of mine"
Six weeks and four days, that is how long I carried you, but that is never the extent of how much I will love you.

If I was writing this the old fashion way my paper would be crumbled and soggy, but for now I just have a tear soaked keyboard. Every time I think I'm done crying I am hit by a wave of emotion. I could blame it on the insane hormones that my body is currently going through, but I'd be lying. Its heart break a kind I never knew I could know. I am mad, so mad. We fought SO HARD for this baby. Why did our baby have to leave us? My body has produced tears at a rate I thought impossible. My eyes hurt, my head hurts and my brain hurts. I keep racking my brain. Why us? Why our baby? I can not stop apologizing to my husband for loosing his baby.

My heart hit the floor in room 15 of Saint Lukes hospital that night. I went in sobbing when the front desk person asked me why I was there I could barley spit out that I was pregnant and that I was bleeding. They ran some tests and ordered an ultrasound. I did not want to see our baby without Taylor there who was rushing back from work. Thankfully as the tech walked in so did he. Together, Taylor my mom and sat in a room trying to decipher what was happening on the screen. And then we waited. Half an hour later the doctor came in and told us that our sweet bump was no longer with us. I went into a daze after that, sobbing uncontrollably into Taylor's chest.

My mom left shortly after and the room filled with a small handful of friends who managed to get a couple of laughs out of us. My friend Victoria even snagged me a coke, you know since I can have caffeine again.

I feel lucky to have known pregnancy, though it was the early stages I do. I got to experience two lines I told my husband and we told our families. We combed baby stores and websites. We talked about the baby all the time, even when we knew we were getting annoying. Taylor held my stomach when we cuddled, he kissed his baby before work and before bed. We built a bond with this baby, we loved this baby. And we still do.

My phone, my facebook and my instagram have been flooded with words of love and support. And I could not be more grateful. Part of me wishes we never announced this pregnancy because posting the facebook status I did in the hospital was immensely painful. The other part of me doesnt regret it one bit, the love that has been poured out to us has amazed me.

We are not done. Not even close. We wont give up until we are holding a happy healthy baby. Physically and emotional we need time to heal. I need a break, I need to regroup and pick myself off the ground. It's not something I expect to happen quickly. We will meet with multiple doctors over the course of the coming weeks. Excpet team baby Denman back in action this Spring.

Thank you thank you so much everyone.

For last night God gained an angel. Our angel was born in heaven.