6 weeks and 4 days

"I carried you every second of your life and I will love you every second of mine"
Six weeks and four days, that is how long I carried you, but that is never the extent of how much I will love you.

If I was writing this the old fashion way my paper would be crumbled and soggy, but for now I just have a tear soaked keyboard. Every time I think I'm done crying I am hit by a wave of emotion. I could blame it on the insane hormones that my body is currently going through, but I'd be lying. Its heart break a kind I never knew I could know. I am mad, so mad. We fought SO HARD for this baby. Why did our baby have to leave us? My body has produced tears at a rate I thought impossible. My eyes hurt, my head hurts and my brain hurts. I keep racking my brain. Why us? Why our baby? I can not stop apologizing to my husband for loosing his baby.

My heart hit the floor in room 15 of Saint Lukes hospital that night. I went in sobbing when the front desk person asked me why I was there I could barley spit out that I was pregnant and that I was bleeding. They ran some tests and ordered an ultrasound. I did not want to see our baby without Taylor there who was rushing back from work. Thankfully as the tech walked in so did he. Together, Taylor my mom and sat in a room trying to decipher what was happening on the screen. And then we waited. Half an hour later the doctor came in and told us that our sweet bump was no longer with us. I went into a daze after that, sobbing uncontrollably into Taylor's chest.

My mom left shortly after and the room filled with a small handful of friends who managed to get a couple of laughs out of us. My friend Victoria even snagged me a coke, you know since I can have caffeine again.

I feel lucky to have known pregnancy, though it was the early stages I do. I got to experience two lines I told my husband and we told our families. We combed baby stores and websites. We talked about the baby all the time, even when we knew we were getting annoying. Taylor held my stomach when we cuddled, he kissed his baby before work and before bed. We built a bond with this baby, we loved this baby. And we still do.

My phone, my facebook and my instagram have been flooded with words of love and support. And I could not be more grateful. Part of me wishes we never announced this pregnancy because posting the facebook status I did in the hospital was immensely painful. The other part of me doesnt regret it one bit, the love that has been poured out to us has amazed me.

We are not done. Not even close. We wont give up until we are holding a happy healthy baby. Physically and emotional we need time to heal. I need a break, I need to regroup and pick myself off the ground. It's not something I expect to happen quickly. We will meet with multiple doctors over the course of the coming weeks. Excpet team baby Denman back in action this Spring.

Thank you thank you so much everyone.

For last night God gained an angel. Our angel was born in heaven.