January 3rd I had my first scare, but reassured myself convinced I was over reacting, only to have our hearts shattered and fears confirmed on January 4th 2014. So January, the longest most painful month of my life do not let the door hit you on the way out. 31 days have never felt longer or heavier.
Almost a month to the date later, the tears are fewer and farther between but not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I can plaster on a smile and pretend I'm not sad. But the truth is my heart still hurts, I am still confused, I still ache for my first pregnancy. I tell my husband and my close friends all the time, I'm not near as strong as everyone thinks I am.It is so easy for me to put on the persona of the girl behind the blog. The who bounces back from disappointment, the strong inspirational girl who steps away from her problems without looking back. The girl everyone expects me to be. And most of the time, I am her. Not this time. But if I pretend I'm strong, if I pretend I'm okay then maybe I will be? Apparently not, because at this moment I am writing through a blur of tears, a break down I've managed to avoid for about a week.
As we move into a new month I am overwhelmed. I want to skip over these dates on the calendar as if they never happened. But on the other hand I am ready for them to pass, so that I can move forward. On Monday (coincidentally the 3rd) we step back into the office of North Houston Center of Reproductive Medicine. And when I say we I mean I (oh railroad). I will with a heavy heart review the details of the last month with my reproductive specialist as we finalize our plan for the next cycle. And thankfully because my body has been cooperative with high hopes next week we will take the big plunge back into the world of fertility drugs, hot flashes, and blood work. But all not without a little fear and a dose of doubt. What if it happens again? What if it takes a long time to happen? Can I handle that? What it was a one time pregnancy and the medicine doesn't work? All thoughts I can not seem erase. But unfortunately, I wont know the answers to any of these until I try. And I can't get out of this bad place I'm in until we move forward. So sink or swim February we're coming for you.
I by no means wrote today for sympathy of any kind, this blog has always been intended to be my outlet and I've said it before some parts of this journey aren't pretty. Today is one of those times. So I'm sorry if I'm downing your Friday evening, take comfort in the fact that tomorrow I will be bright and peppy again, but sometimes I break.
But as always I wont end on a sad note, some happiness from the world of the Denman's (well sorta). This week Texas experienced a bout of winter weather (that rudely interrupted my week, but that's another story) it reminded me of the happy snow days I had in North Carolina, snow ball fights with neighbors, soaked gloves, cold feet but always going right back out for more. Those days are few and far between in good ol' Gaston county but man were they some of my favorite days. So here in Texas the only accumulation we had was sleet all over our cars. But in the spirit of snow day, and being who she is my best friend and number one cheerleader sent me this from the UNCC campus this week! I could not ask for a better support system. Thank you Nikki.
"The day you slipped away, was the day I found I wont be the same"
Today's blog was brought to you by PMS.
Until next time readers. Well to be more specific until Monday. Because Monday is finally appointment day *does happy dance* then curls back up on the couch with ice cream.
xoxo
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