Resolutions and rejuvenation

January is half way over and after picking the pieces of myself off the ground I've finally decided on not one but two new years resolutions. In 2013 my New Years resolution was to get pregnant and in the finishing weeks of that year I succeeded only to loose our miracle to soon. So I have decided that this year part one of my New Years resolution is to have a baby, a bit more specific this time. This year we continue to fight to hold our babies on earth while God holds bump in heaven. (que tears...sigh)

Part two of my New Years resolution is actually a promise Taylor and I made when I was pregnant. We had decided that every month until the baby came we would have one date night a month. Not just dinner but dinner and some kind of activity weather it be walking the waterway, a movie, ice skating, window shopping, well you get the point. The idea was to utilize time time that we had left as two before we became three and those date nights grew few and far between.
Infertility is a full time battle and I will be the first to admit that I can become consumed by the anxiety and stress it causes. But I've always said I will never loose myself or my marriage to this battle. And that is why we've decided to keep this commitment. Every month, not just this year but until we are joined by baby D we will commit one night to us. Enjoyment of our marriage with no distractions, doctors, thoughts of medication or heart break. Just the two of us remembering why we fell in love all those years ago.

So to kick off this new monthly ritual. We ran way.
To the beach!

Ready to forget the world and our grief we took off country music blaring. We were both so happy to get out of the house where we'd grieved and hurt. We arrived at our hotel to find this lonely penny on the thermostat.

Normally it would mean nothing to me but I saw it and almost burst into tears. Hours before we'd left I read a poem titled Pennies From Heaven. "He said when an angel misses you they toss a penny down. Sometimes just to cheer you up, make a smile out of your frown. So when you're feeling blue, it may be a penny from heaven that an angel tossed down to you." 
Maybe I'm crazy and maybe it was just pure irony but I took the penny and tucked it in my wallet behind my licence for safe keeping and good luck. A sign from Bump, the perfect way to kick off our trip.
We laughed and smiled. Real smiles for the first time in almost two weeks. We stayed up all night talking, went driving around in search of crappy fast food that was open at 1am, stuffed our face with complementary breakfast. We even watched the late showing of Pretty Little Liars, seriously my husband is the best. We sat on the rocks and watched the water come crashing and I told Taylor "The ocean has healing powers". It was so amazing to be us again, to reconnect to the people we have lost in this struggle. We had a late lunch at Joes Crab Shack, seemingly very fitting as it was the birth place of our relationship. Perfect place to end our rejuvenating getaway.

Two weeks and four days until we jump back in. With Bump still heavy on our hearts, we are anxious, excited and scared. Scared of another loss and scared it will take months and months. You've gotta want it more than you're afraid of it though right? That's our new motto.

So here's to healing and a new chapter in Team Baby Denman!