Life as we know it

"You are my angel, my darling, my star and my love will find you wherever you are"

I have a life and I have to live it. I have a job, and I need to work. I have a husband and I need to cook dinner for the two of us. I have 2 dogs who need walks. And I have friends who've made attempts at comforting me, and I need I let them in. Unfortunately all of this includes getting out the current comfort zone I've built for myself that is my recliner with my butt planted firmly infront of a roaring fire. This also includes getting out of bed in the morning. This is a task that has been difficult for me in the last few days. As has sleep. Laying in bed at night I question everything? Why us? Why our baby? When will this physical pain stop, for it has served as a constant reminder of our loss? At night I dream of the baby who has left us and in the morning I miss the baby we never got to hold. But the days, they are slowly improving. 

Monday was my first step back into reality. This included showering and wearing real cloths. And surprisingly dinner made by me. We attended what should've been bumps first ultrasound (thank you count down app for the reminder, I hate you). Not exactly how we expected our first prenatal visit to be. I cried as I replayed the story to my doctor and nurses. They were comforting and understanding. They answered all of Taylor's questions and addressed his and my own concerns. My body is healing as good as it can in these conditions and getting over the loss of bump. So far there have been no complications. It's amazing how quickly the body moves on even when the mind does not. 

After the apointment we saw my parents, my first face to face contact since the hospital with someone other than Taylor or a doctor. It was surprisingly refreshing. Though they didn't know we were coming by, my dad had my favorite snack in the fridge "in case I came by and was hungry". Points to my dad. And as of today work too has resumed. 

I feel like everyone's grief is different an we all heal in different ways. As much as I wanted to hide from my life normalcy seems to be helping. That is why I'm writing this. Batteling infertility as hard as it is sometimes IS our normal. Seriously you'd be surprised at how I don't even flinch anymore for a blood draw. So with that I say team baby Denman will be diving back in head first in Febuary. I set up an appointment with our fabulous fertility specialist for Febuary 3rd to discuss starting over, the next steps and what we can do differently. I don't know what to expect out of my body after all of this and I'm currently on pelvic rest so I can't put a guestament on our next medicated cycle. But whenever it is and whatever changes we plan to tackle it. My doctors seem confident my next pregnancy wil be a viable one and right now that is where I am putting my trust. We are anxious, and nervous and excited and still hurting. But one thing we are not is quitters. 

I can not begin to tell you all how indescribably thankful I am for the out pour of support that's been thrown our way. From friends, family, strangers, my ttc sisters and even some surprises. I've spent the last few days ignoring texts and declining phone calls. I plan to make an attempt to get back to everyone in the next few days. I speak for myself and Taylor when I say there has not been one moment we have regretted sharing this journey with you. Thank you, thank you, thank you over and over again for the love and support! 

Oh and Pretty Little LiArs comes back tonight, I'm happy to have something to look forward to. 

Until next time readers. Xoxo